Spiritual abuse is real, and it hurts

When I first heard the term “spiritual abuse,” I was little confused and probably deep down thought it was a new-fangled phrase used to describe something that had a more common name. What I learned, however, is that spiritual abuse is real, it’s painful and it’s much more prevalent in today’s churches than most people realize.

The fear, anxiety, distrust and trouble with intimacy of all sorts that any kind of abuse breeds is just as common in spiritual abuse victims. What’s both unusual and frustrating, however, is that most the time those who are abusing are also being abused or have been a victim of similar forms of spiritual abuse themselves. While I believe anyone who abuses another should be held accountable for their actions, it’s hard to do so when you know they too are being mistreated

So what do I mean by spiritual abuse? My personal “elevator definition” is mental and emotional abuse that regards spiritual matters and in turn affects a person’s spiritual life. Abuse can take on many forms including inappropriate shaming from the pulpit in an effort to get the congregation to do something out of guilt; leading the congregation to believe that only the pastor or the pastor’s wife can help them (instead of going to a counselor or other outside help for common problems); making up man-made rules using snippets of Scripture to make them seem required by God; and teaching members that their belief system is the only true Biblical way to believe.

Want more than my word for it? The definition found on the Watchman Fellowship Web site reads like this:
“Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.”

The following excerpts from “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” by David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen offer a few more detailed examples of spiritual abuse:

“Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person.” (p.20)
“Spiritual abuse can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a ‘spiritual standard’.” (p.21)
Spiritual abuse occurs when shame is “used in an attempt to get someone to support a belief, or…to fend off legitimate questions”. (p.22)
“When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person’s standing as a Christian-to gratify you, your position or your beliefs, while at the same time weakening or harming another-that is spiritual abuse.” (p.23)
“There are spiritual systems in which…the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders… These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion of the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse.” (p.23)

So how does one know they are being spiritually abused? Most of you reading this right now are probably thinking “My church is just fine, it’s Godly and a good place.” Well, that’s what most people in abusive churches believe. After all, (for the most part) the abusive churches are in what many consider mainstream society and while some may fit under what is considered “a different religion,” they are not considered cultish in most circles. It would be easy to see how a cult could be spiritually abusive, it’s harder to see how a “normal” church could fall under that category. It’s especially hard, I think, to see your own church as being potentially abusive.

There are a number of Web sites available that deal with spiritual abuse. One site I will direct your attention to is ChurchAbuse.com, which offers a simple survey one can take to get a better idea if they are in a healthy church environment or not. The address for that survey is http://www.churchabuse.com/survey.asp

The good news is, there is recovery from spiritual abuse, just like other forms of serious abuse. It takes time, a lot of heartache, but it’s something that God wants to heal you from if you are willing to let him.

“Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).

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Last 5 posts by gingerbreadnewslady

• It's OK for churches to take snow days - May 7th, 2010
• Worth saving - February 7th, 2010
• Finding a healthy you (after spiritual abuse) - January 30th, 2010
• Finding a healthy church after facing spiritual abuse - December 30th, 2009
• Do you experience 'Toxic Faith?' - October 26th, 2009