People often say recovery is a step-by-step process and that’s true. What that statement doesn’t tell us is that even within a “12-step” program or any other kind of recovery, there’s plenty of mini steps between the so-called big ones. It also doesn’t tell us that sometimes we have to take a step or two back to take leaps forward.
It doesn’t seem to matter what kind of abuse a person encounters-be it physical, emotional, mental, sexual or spiritual, it’s incredibly difficult to admit the abuse is happening. Or if it’s something that happened in the past, especially during childhood, it’s hard to admit that it did happen.
Admitting, accepting that someone hurt us, that they controlled us, feels almost impossible. But it’s the necessary first step in recovery. Acknowledging there is a problem and naming it for what it is.
I think there’s plenty of reasons someone might have for not wanting to admit the abuse. Even if they are willing to admit something isn’t right, they don’t like to call it “abuse.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“It can’t be abuse if I willingly stayed in the situation.”
“My pastor/church/loved one love me and are trying to do what’s best for me and don’t realize it’s hurting me.”
“What they are saying/doing can’t be abusive, they’re of God!”
No matter what the reason, it can be one of the hardest things to admit that we are being or were abused. Another common thought process I see is the idea of not wanting the “victim mentality.”
So many people use the word “abuse” to mean someone did something they didn’t like. Or they use it to not take responsibility for their own actions. I’ve known people who couldn’t admit they were being abused because they didn’t want to be lumped in with those who, well, abuse the concept of abuse.
Admitting you’ve been abused does not put you in the victim mentality, I can assure you. In my unprofessional opinion, it puts you at a crossroads. Once you recognize the behavior as abusive, you can choose that “victim mentality” route, where you just become angry at those who hurt you and use that anger and pain to behave irresponsibly. Or, you can choose to find healing. There is healing from abuse, including spiritual abuse.
I’m learning that healing is a life-time process, although the pain does seem to decrease over time to some degree. Healing and recovery comes from faith, time and support. Wait, I said faith. So what if someone was so spiritually abused that they no longer have a faith in God? There’s healing for you, too. I hope it finds you back with God and knowing of his grace instead of human judgment. Many who are spiritually abused have to take a healthy step back from God to examine who he really is. My hope and prayer is that for all who face this dilemma, it’s only a step back instead of running away with no looking back.
No matter what brought you to that crossroads of deciding the victim mentality or the the path of healing, you have a choice to make. It’s your responsibility. Even though you were not at fault for the abuse, you are responsible for the recovery.
I once heard this analogy that I just love: Say someone shoots you in the leg. You were just walking along, minding your own business and BANG. You have a choice. You can sit there and moan about how it wasn’t your fault and it’s not fair, or you can seek medical attention. One path leads to almost certain death and one leads to probable life.
Which way are you going to choose? What’s holding you back from healing and recovery?
Last 5 posts by gingerbreadnewslady
- When did you become a Christian? (I dunno) - August 23rd, 2010
- It's OK for churches to take snow days - May 7th, 2010
- Worth saving - February 7th, 2010
- Finding a healthy you (after spiritual abuse) - January 30th, 2010
- Finding a healthy church after facing spiritual abuse - December 30th, 2009
